The Importance of “Warm Ties” as We Age

Last week, I ran into a woman I know from the yoga class I attend at my local senior center, and we ended up having a friendly conversation. People like this fellow yoga student are what sociologists call a weak tie—a connection who is not a close friend—as opposed to a strong tie, such as a family member or friend we know deeply. A weak tie (or the more inviting term I use, warm tie) could be the dog walker you pass on your morning walk, your letter carrier, or the barista at your favorite café.

The Benefits of Warm Ties as We Age

Both types of ties are important to our health and well-being. Research in the last few years has shown that loneliness and social isolation are common among older adults and affect our physical health, mental health, and longevity. Many of us assume that our well-being depends on our closest ties and not on the minor players in our daily lives. But it turns out that connections with warm ties can be even more important than connections with strong ties for maintaining positive well-being, because they come with no baggage—or, as the Buddha reportedly called it, our “ancient, twisted karma.”

Studies show that warm ties offer a surprising number of benefits to seniors. The more connections older adults have, the more likely they are to be happier and more positive, cultivate more friends, and be less prone to depression and cognitive decline. Also, seniors with bigger social networks have more opportunities to develop new relationships when friends or family members inevitably move or pass away. Even talking to strangers makes people feel less lonely and more trusting.

How to Strengthen Relationships with Warm Ties

I’ve seen this evidence borne out in my home. When my husband, Barry, experienced a lonely period a few years ago, he designed a plan of action that he called his “friend-a-day” program. The task he assigned himself was to reach out to at least one new person every day. By the end of the first week, he already felt better.

Strengthening relationships with warm ties is no small thing. It’s great for our own well-being, of course, but the benefits reach way beyond our individual selves. In these fraught, divided times, everyone benefits if we increase our connections with one another. When we greet and chat with someone we don’t know well, it’s not trivial. We’re helping not only ourselves, but the whole fabric of our community.

Since most of us experience isolation from time to time, here are some suggestions for reinforcing the warm ties in your life:

1. List the warm ties you already have. These could be connections as broad as your neighbors, your grandchild’s preschool teacher, or a bank teller.

2. Greet them when you see them. If you don’t remember a person’s name, ask and make a note of it. It can be embarrassing to have to ask repeatedly, but most people are very forgiving. Recently I had to ask the owner of an art supply shop his name. “Darrell! Darrell! Darrell!” I repeated playfully when he told me again. (This is a good strategy for remembering names, by the way). But then he forgot my name the next time, and that made me feel better. We joke about it now.

3. Engage in small talk. My husband, Barry, loves to chat and banter with people he runs into on the street. Frankly, I get bored and irritated by what seems to me is just shallow chitchat. Gradually, I realized that there is no such thing as “small” talk, because these pleasantries serve an important function: They are a social lubricant that helps people feel safe with each other.

With practice, I’ve found small talk gets easier. To help me reduce my resistance to it, I use the following simple icebreakers:

Asking a question. At a party, for example, I sometimes ask another guest how they know the host. Asking questions is particularly good if you’re introverted, because you don’t have to talk much, but rather “just” show interest. (No small thing, in our distracted social media age.) Recently, I asked a cashier at a local supermarket if she liked her job. “I love it!” she said. “I like my coworkers and the benefits are great!”

Discussing a shared experience. Even people you don’t know well are likely to have some things in common. For example, “Wasn’t that a wild thunderstorm last night?”

Look for something positive to say. At the dog park, you could tell a dog owner how beautiful their collie is. (Using a pet or a child as a conversation opener is an easy way to break the ice!) Or, if you’re standing on the sidewalk near their home, you could admire the flowerbeds in their yard.

Offering help. The other day I saw a man in a wheelchair about to cross a busy street. Although there was a crosswalk, I knew cars didn’t always respect it, so I carefully stepped in front of him and signaled to the drivers to stop. He wheeled himself across, then said with a drawl, “Thank you, darlin’.” Made my day!

Asking for help. I used to try to figure out everything myself, until I realized that people love to feel useful. Now, I reach out more, asking for directions or if there’s a public restroom nearby.

4. Put yourself in environments where people hang out. Sociologists call locations like cafés, libraries, bookstores, gyms, senior centers, adult classes, playgrounds, and parks third places: places that are neither home nor work. Ideally located within walking distance of our homes, these places are very important because they are where we form a sense of community.

Being outside is especially helpful for reinforcing warm ties, as studies show it’s easier to talk to people outdoors than in. Could it be that it’s easier because there are literally fewer barriers? Whatever the reason, Jessica Finlay, a former researcher in the field of health geography at the University of Minnesota, found that people feel more comfortable approaching others in parks than on city streets. They’re more likely to pet a stranger’s dog, chat with someone sitting on a bench, or exclaim to another person about the beautiful view.

5. Take a class online. An online class doesn’t replace face-to-face connections, but it’s a useful supplement, and sometimes a warm tie on the internet can turn into a lasting friendship. I met a woman in an online writing class 25 years ago. We stayed in touch over the years, through career changes, moves, retirement, and so on. We finally met in person in Oregon about five years ago. Last month, I took a series of online mindfulness workshops with her. We both like the way our relationship has evolved from warm ties to good friends.

Learn how to strengthen community through ritual.