5 Statements to Help Funnel Your Funeral Anxiety

Depending on a variety of factors, your next funeral experience might be a small, somber, sober event, or anything but. Whether your “typical” funeral tends to be traditional shiva, a quiet wake, or a booze-infused family reunion, for many, the age-old ceremony incites stress and sparks anxiety. This makes sense, considering that modern-day funerals occur at the axis of some of the most common stressors we experience.

Recognizing the following five common stressors at funerals and learning how to articulate your needs can help you funnel your funeral anxiety.

Death

Nothing sharpens the reality of our mortality more than a close experience with death. While we all know that death is inevitable, conversations about death are not the norm. However, if we want to alleviate our death anxiety, they should be.

One terrific tool to help ease anxiety caused by the thought of death is a death and dying plan. Similar to a birth plan an expectant mother might create, this plan outlines an individual’s wishes regarding a variety of factors, from room lighting and temperature to desired medications and interventions. Only 22 percent of all Americans have a death plan, but, with guidance and support, creating one can be empowering, offer a sense of control, and help reduce stress and anxiety. When you are ready to share your completed plan or want to ask for help drafting one, reach out to a trusted member of your family or care team.

To get started tackling anxiety around death at funerals, try offering this statement to a loved one: “I’d like to talk with you about my death plan and ensure that you know my wishes.”

Crowds and Groups

Grief is not meant to be felt in isolation, and funerals can foster togetherness and a sense of community. While gathering in a group prevents potential alienation and provides support to the bereaved, it can also provoke anxiety. Even if you aren’t typically bothered by large groups, a funeral crowd may be stressful, whether it’s because you know everyone in the crowd, you know no one, or everyone knows you (and you wish they didn’t). How we feel about ourselves in the context of a large group can directly impact the presentation of anxiety.

For example, if we’re going through a difficult time and feeling low about our personal appearance, job, or relationship status, facing friends and family can feel especially challenging. Unlike major social events like weddings and reunions, funerals rarely allow us the time we’d like to present our best self, but that doesn’t mean we should be a no-show. Strategically planning when to arrive and with whom may help. For instance, arriving early allows you to offer your condolences and exit before the mourning masses. And navigating a crowd is always better with a wingman, so recruit a trusted family member or friend to attend with you, and be clear in your ask.

To find your funeral wingman, try saying this: “I’m feeling anxious about the funeral, especially the crowd. Would you arrive early with me and stay close to me? I would really appreciate your support.”

Big Feelings

Feelings can be complex, and for many, the experience of having big feelings can be uncomfortable. Sadness, love, anger, relief, joy, shame, regret, fear, and many more are normal and natural expressions of grief. Funerals are a feelings free-for-all, so it makes sense why they can also stimulate stress, anxiety, and even our fight-or-flight response.

If you worry about your ability to wrangle personal feelings in front of other funeral attendees, consider preparing for the moment in advance. No matter your reason for not wanting to express your grief in front of others, give yourself permission to leave any conversation at any time. Building an exit strategy in advance is a time-tested technique.

Experiment with what works best for you, or feel free to try my favorite phrase: “Would you please excuse me?”

Public Speaking

If confronting death, spending time in a crowd, or managing big feelings doesn’t create anxiety, the task of delivering the eulogy may. If that’s you, know you aren’t alone—one recent survey found nearly 30 percent of American adults reported a fear of public speaking. But even if you aren’t afraid of public speaking, it’s normal to feel stressed out by it. The mere thought of speaking at a funeral can incite worry, whether it’s a fear of judgment by others, a crisis of confidence in yourself, or something else. Our brain may interpret this experience as a threat, which stimulates our fight-or-flight response, and even though we aren’t in danger, our bodies respond. Cue the flushed face, rapid heartbeat, and trembling!

Whether you are tasked with delivering the eulogy or just want to share a story about the deceased, remember that many audience members share this fear, and everyone understands that you’re grieving. No matter how your anxiety presents, naming it publicly often diffuses its power.

So, if public speaking at a funeral causes anxiety, try speaking this phrase early and often: “This is difficult for me. Thank you for understanding.”

Challenging Relationships

Managing dynamics, navigating interactions with an estranged family member, or preparing for a potential run-in with an ex—our intimate (or once intimate) relationships often activate anxiety. Note which relationships are causal to your anxiety and determine your boundaries in advance. You may consider a time limit on certain conversations, or even commit to not engaging.

Should you find yourself in a predicament—perhaps you’re cornered by a nosy aunt or a toxic friend from the past—empowering language can act as a parachute out of an unwanted situation.

Try this when you’re faced with a challenging conversation: “Thank you for your care. I need to step away.”

Death is an inescapable part of life, and funerals are meant to help us process our loss and grief. So, above all, be gracious with yourself as you learn to navigate the nuances of funeral anxiety. In doing so, perhaps the better we understand our own funeral anxiety, the better we can show up for others, too.

Until then, allow yourself permission to explore what language works best for you, and if you find yourself reflecting on past funeral faux-pas, try this phrase: “I did my best.”

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