Polyamory as a Spiritual Practice

When I worked in a church, I was known for speaking about the things ministers tend to not speak about in the pulpit. Politics? Check. Racism? Check. Porn and sex work? Check and check. These might not be controversial topics in some denominations, but in mine (Unity), we pride ourselves on keeping everyone as comfortable as possible. My personal and professional credo? “Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”

Another topic that makes most people squirm? Polyamory. People often get uncomfortable when I tell them I’m polyamorous, but they’re especially uncomfortable when I tell them I embrace polyamory as a spiritual practice.

What Is Polyamory?

In a nutshell, polyamory is but one expression of consensual non-monogamy (CNM), a relationship orientation in which people are romantically, intimately, or sexually connected with multiple partners with the full knowledge and agreement of everyone involved.

While monogamy is still the accepted, culturally-approved relationship standard, it’s believed that about 5 percent of American adults—around 10 million people—practice consensual non-monogamy. Many are not open about being non-monogamous, so the true number is likely much higher.

What Makes a Spiritual Practice?

Spirituality is both beingness and practice. Spirituality is the act of connecting to, and living from, our innate Essence as the embodiment of All That Is, or what some call God, Divinity, the Universe, Spirit, No-Thing, etc. It’s what we are beneath and beyond our humanness and the magnificently messy personality we are and are yet to be—a personality that, since becoming aware of itself, has been heavily influenced and shaped by the people and events around us, by culture, by religion, by systems of oppression (white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy), and by fear. We are an amalgam of conscious and unconscious beliefs that dictate our thoughts, words, and actions; a work in progress and a lost cause; an individual and a collective; a never-ending search for meaning.

Spiritual practices are designed to expand our awareness beyond our humanness and bring us back to our Essence. When we think of them, we may imagine more contemplative exercises: meditation, prayer, breathwork, journaling, forest bathing, reciting mantras, yoga, or tai chi. I believe, however, that anything that causes us to make a deeper, more expansive inquiry into ourselves, that invites us to examine if we’re living from our Essence, is a spiritual practice. That includes all our relationships, especially our intimate ones.

How Polyamory Can Help Us Grow Spiritually

No one shines a light on your unconscious unexamined beliefs like the person with whom you are most open and vulnerable. For most of us, it’s our romantic partner. They may love and accept us like no one else, but they can also push our buttons and infuriate us with equal deftness. It’s through our relationships that we see how we show up in the world.

People in our lives reflect back to us the truth of who we are, regardless of who we perceive ourselves to be. The more intimate the relationship, the more glaring the reflection. The more intimate relationships we have, the greater the opportunities we receive to see ourselves reflected back from different angles, therefore bringing about more invitations for self-awareness and transformation.

The more intimate relationships we have, the greater the opportunities we receive to see ourselves reflected back from different angles, therefore bringing about more invitations for self-awareness and transformation.

Polyamory: A Practice in Abundance, Surrender, and Oneness

Through polyamory, my abundance consciousness has expanded. The traditional monogamous narrative is that, in love, we are always seeking our other half, implying that we are incomplete. An updated and healthier version of that monogamous narrative says I’m whole and looking for another whole person. Either way, these narratives imply that there’s just one person meant for each of us. They are meant to be everything to us and when we finally find them, we have to do all we can to hold on to them. That’s a scarcity mindset if I’ve ever heard one, supported by beliefs of ownership, possessiveness, hoarding, jealousy, hierarchy, and well-defined but limiting success metrics.

To be polyamorous is to face our embedded conditioning around love and relationships, and see love not as a limited resource but as a pathway to an evolved understanding of connection, belonging, and worthiness. It’s Abundance on a whole other level.

Through polyamory, I experience the paradox of desire and nonattachment, pitching my tent in the middle ground between them. The thing is, I really hate camping, and this continues to be a challenge for me. And yet I find it to be the epitome of our combined human nature (to desire) and Divine nature (to practice non-attachment). Of course, this isn’t unique to non-monogamy, since anyone in any form of relationship would benefit from living this way. But as challenging as it might be with one person, imagine the resolve it requires for multiple partners.

Earlier this year, in the span of two weeks, three of my relationships shifted from intimate/romantic/sexual to platonic. My partners each realized individually that our relationships were not in alignment with who they were evolving to be and how they wanted to experience love and intimacy. Yes, it was painful, but I also had the capacity to wholeheartedly support each of them advocating for their authenticity without taking it personally—it really was about them, not me. It’s Surrender on a whole other level.

Through polyamory, I am realizing and releasing my deeply internalized biases towards people who exist beyond gender and sexuality norms—biases rooted in white supremacy and patriarchy. I thought I had moved on from these decades ago, but it would seem I did it mostly at the intellectual level. The phobias and “isms” (homophobia, transphobia, sexism) of the traditional Christian religion of my upbringing were rooted in my body. As I experienced various levels of intimacy with partners and lovers who identify as queer and nonbinary, those teachings were triggered within me. Old habits die hard. I had to do the work to release them so that I could truly see the fullness, beauty, and Divinity of my partners. It’s Oneness on a whole other level.

Abundance, Surrender, Oneness … I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Polyamory provides me with opportunities to practice spiritual principles in ways that take me deeper. It has led me to a more expansive paradigm of love, especially self-love. To know and love ourselves is the beginning of knowing and loving God/Divinity/the Universe/Spirit/All That Is. It’s the Ultimate Belonging.

Read more of Rev. Ogun Holder's work here.