Am I (and Is Everyone Around Me) a Narcissist?

Narcissism is a personality trait that everyone has to one degree or another. It’s defined by self-focus and is named after Narcissus, a beautiful young man who, the Greek myth tells, fell in love with his image in a still pond and stayed there so long he melted away, becoming the flower that now bears his name.

In an era of social media, selfies, and constant documentation, some people worry that we are all becoming narcissists. In addition, people talk about narcissism a lot on social media, and it’s starting to feel like anyone that’s ever hurt us must be a narcissist. But is any of that true? How do we know if we or someone in our lives is a narcissist? And then what do we do about it?

What Narcissism Is and Is Not

Primarily, narcissism is a normal personality trait centered around self-love and self-focus. Healthy self-esteem requires a little narcissism—it’s helpful to believe we are good people capable of good things. We are all the main characters in our lives. Adaptive narcissism can sometimes help us walk away from difficult situations with the belief and hope that we can be and do more with our lives. Narcissism becomes maladaptive when it becomes self-obsessive, especially at the expense of our connection with reality and the feelings of the people around us.

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with most people falling somewhere in the middle. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is the most extreme end of the spectrum and is characterized by:

• A constant need for praise and recognition

• A lack of empathy

• A tendency to only see others as characters in the story of the person with NPD, not full humans with their own needs and feelings

• A grandiose sense of oneself that doesn’t really fit with reality

• A tendency to lie or manipulate to get what one wants, and to maintain the grandiose illusion

This extreme version of narcissism is quite rare, only affecting about one percent of the population. Despite fears that narcissism is growing with the advent of social media, this number has not changed in recent years. Social media is not causing NPD.

Having Narcissistic Traits Versus Being a True Narcissist

In part because NPD is relatively rare, it’s important to consider someone as having narcissistic traits rather than being a narcissist. When we label someone as a narcissist, we will tend to see them as only that, not a full human being with needs and feelings (just as they might do to us!). We must be careful not to let the label get in the way of the human being behind it.

On the other hand, if you are dealing with someone who has NPD, it actually might be best and safest for you to see them that way. NPD can make it extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship. If you are living with someone who cannot recognize your needs, tends to live in a fantasy world, and has no empathy for you, seeing them as a true narcissist might help you to get out of the relationship and protect yourself and your feelings.

People who are higher on the narcissism spectrum are often really charming at first and will draw people toward them. It’s only much later that we tend to recognize this as the manipulation it was, especially if we discover that person has no genuine care for us but is merely using us to inflate their ego.

We may be more vulnerable to people like this if we didn’t grow up with models of healthy relationships. Healthy, intimate relationships should involve some give-and-take and plenty of empathy on both sides. Loving relationships involve work to ensure everyone’s needs are met, not just one at the cost of the other.

While conflict is a normal and healthy aspect of a relationship, conflicts ideally resolve around a negotiation of everyone’s needs and desires. If we grew up in a house where conflict always meant danger or was never resolved, or where only one person’s needs would ever get met at the cost of everyone else’s, it can be hard to recognize when we are not in a healthy relationship.

Am I a Narcissist?

If you’re curious about where you land on the narcissism spectrum, you can take a test here.

Due to the nature of NPD, it can be hard for someone with NPD to accept that they have it. However, if you’re worried about being a narcissist because you care about the people around you and want to be someone that is able to have conversations and negotiations regarding needs, you’re probably not a narcissist.

The irony about NPD is that it’s a pretty miserable way to live. From the outside, it looks like someone is perfect, has everything they need, and is completely in control. But there’s often a deep anxiety underlying the narcissism, and it’s frequently traced back to childhood abuse or neglect. It’s a coping mechanism, essentially, for having a very deeply dark view of oneself; a padding of fantasy to protect from the pain of reality.

Self-awareness might be the hardest part for someone with NPD to arrive at. If you’re willing to consider that you might have it and want to work on it, therapy can help, especially with someone who specializes in NPD.

What to Do When Dealing with a Narcissist

Most of the people who show up to therapy to talk about narcissism are not the narcissists but those who live with them. One strategy for managing someone in your life with narcissism is to let go of that term altogether. It’s not worth the energy to spend trying to diagnose whether or not someone is a narcissist—if they are, it will likely be very difficult for them to see it, and the nature of the disorder tends to prevent them from getting help. Telling someone they are a narcissist likely won’t get you anywhere.

Rather, focus on yourself and the general health of your relationship. Where are you with your boundaries and getting your needs met? Can you have constructive conversations with this person to ensure everyone’s needs get met? If you tiptoe around this person’s ego, is that because of your fears of conflict, or because of a genuine safety concern? If you discover that this relationship is unhealthy and there is no movement within that, no willingness to work on it from your partner’s side, it’s probably a good idea to leave the relationship whether the other person is narcissistic or not.

Boundaries are important in any relationship, but they can be trickier than they seem. In some cases, trying to set a boundary with someone who has NPD can make it worse for you—it can be a way of essentially telling them how they can hurt you.

In these (and, really, all) types of relationships, it might be more valuable to think about boundaries with yourself. Rather than telling a potential narcissist where your lines are drawn, think about your choices in certain scenarios. Will you turn your phone off after a certain time of day? Practice saying no when they want to see you? Find ways to get your own needs met rather than waiting around for them to do it? This type of internal boundary practice can be incredibly valuable in all your relationships, not just this one.

Narcissism is a common part of human nature and can be anything from beneficial to detrimental. Social media doesn’t appear to be making it worse, but that doesn’t mean you can’t set a boundary with yourself about how and when you’re using it if you find it’s exacerbating your anxiety.

Discover how to affirm healthy narcissism.