From Self-Love to Neighbor-Love

Love yourself. It all starts there. That’s a tall order. I’ve fallen in and out of love with myself every year I’ve been on the planet, sometimes on the same day.

To create a more loving and just society, we’re going to have to dig deep into our stories, sift through the good, the bad, and the ugly, and find the meaningful moments that source self-love.

Stories carry the details of the relationships and experiences that form us. They tell us how our parents responded to us when we were hungry or afraid; how our teachers reacted to our abilities in the classroom; what our lovers communicated to us when we were dating—all these experiences are embedded in the stories that make us who we are. Birth order, gender, religion, sexuality, racial identity—these are just some of the stories that are woven together to make us a self.

It takes courage to peer into our stories and see what’s there. When we look in the story-mirror, we’ll see some cringeworthy moments that challenge our best view of ourselves, moments we wish we could cancel or delete. But we’ll also revisit the ways we navigated those experiences and can affirm the best of ourselves and our capacity for love of self and others. Accepting ourselves, forgiving ourselves—this is what unconditional love is about.

For some folks, talk about love sounds weak. From my point of view, love is the strongest force on the planet. Dr. James F. Loder defined love as a “non-possessive delight in the particularity of the other.” Rather than trying to change, manipulate, or devour the object of our affection, love delights in the particularities of the individual, even when that’s you. To delight in others, we must practice delight for ourselves, even when it’s difficult to do so.

There is not one human on the planet with a perfect and entirely lovefilled story to tell. If the environment in which we live is filled with violence, danger, unfulfilled needs, poverty, oppression, bias, fear, anger, racism, sexism, homophobia—our spirituality and our health are impinged. Unable to fully love ourselves, we won’t love our neighbors either.

Reflecting on our stories can help us love ourselves. There are many ways to do this self-reflection. Your good friends can help you examine your stories. Make a date; go for a walk, make a Zoom/Facetime connection. Take turns sharing your stories, mourning the hurts, celebrating the resilience. Therapy, 12-step programs, grief support groups, spiritual direction, and coaching are other helping sources for organizing our life stories toward love. You are the expert on your stories, the ultimate meaning-maker about you. What do you really think, know, understand about your life and yourself? How can you love you better?

Here is one of my favorite exercises.

Sit down with a notebook or use your computer. Think of your life as a story in progress and answer these questions.

My life in stories:

• If your life is a book, what is the title of the book?
• What’s the title of the current chapter?
• What are the titles of the chapters that got you here?
• What do you want the end of your story—the last chapter—to be titled?
• What chapters do you need to write in order to get to that final chapter?
• In each past chapter, what were the stories along the way that gave you joy, love?
• What did these teach you about you? About the world? About love?
• What were the stories along the way that hurt/wounded you?
• What did these teach you about you? About the world? About love?
• What do you love about you, no matter what?

When you and I make loving ourselves a prime objective to our surviving and thriving, our self-love will source our neighbor-love. While you are on your journey, while learning to love yourself in this space we share, lean in. Now take a deep breath and let me tell you something: You are your best thing; don’t forget it.