Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) for Relationships

The first time I discovered the Emotional Freedom Technique—often shortened to EFT, or referred to simply as tapping—I was participating in Gabby Bernstein’s Anxiety Relief Challenge. Starting my day sitting on my meditation cushion, I logged into the self-help author’s coaching app to discover what the morning’s meditation would be.

As I dropped into the moment and let myself receive the guided meditation, my curiosity was piqued at the instructions I was being given. Instead of being led through familiar breathwork or visualizations, here was Bernstein prompting me to vocalize my stress and tap on seemingly random parts of my body. Always wanting to understand the why before embarking on a new healing modality, I had to temporarily quiet the investigative part of my brain and be willing to learn through experience—to let myself tap and ask questions later.

When the meditation was complete, the stress I’d been so bothered by that morning felt far away, like something from the distant past that was no longer relatable. The only questions left on my mind were: What makes this so effective? and Where can I learn more?

What Is EFT?

Taking Robin Bilazarian‘s workshop on EFT for physical and emotional pain, it was quickly revealed to me that there had been nothing “random” about the tapping technique I experienced in Bernstein’s meditation. Instead, ancient wisdom informs the modern methodology.

Drawing from the same roots in traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) that inform acupuncture and acupressure, EFT engages with specific lines of energy in the body (known as meridians) to balance disturbances in your energy field. This is done by tapping acupressure points at each of the following spots on the body:

• The side of the hand

• The top of the head

• The space between the eyebrows

• The side of the eyes

• Underneath the eyes

• Under the nose

• The tip of the chin

• The collarbone

• Underneath the arm

As you tap on these acupressure points, you can release anxiety, stress, limiting beliefs, unhelpful patterns, and even physical pain. The key to experiencing this relief is by talking about the issue while you tap. Tapping on these acupressure points brings harmony to the meridians and communicates to the brain that it’s safe to relax, bringing us out of the fight, flight, or freeze response. By inducing this state of relaxation while we talk about our problem, we train ourselves to release the charged feelings that we’ve been attaching to the issue. We teach our nervous systems that it’s safe to feel our feelings.

Why EFT for Relationships?

While tapping is often used to treat physical pain, specific fears and phobias, PTSD, and anxiety, it can also be leveraged to help us feel more comfort, freedom, and safety in our relationships. When we’re feeling triggered in our relationships, we may be propelled into a fight, flight, or freeze state. We can even get stuck in fight, flight, or freeze for an extended period of time if we’ve been under a lot of stress or experiencing increased conflict, making it challenging for us to de-escalate and meaningfully connect with our partners.

Learning to utilize EFT gives us a coping mechanism to turn to when we’re struggling in our relationships. Whether we’re feeling anxious about being vulnerable and opening up in new ways, or we’re struggling to release resentment from an argument, EFT can help us regulate our nervous systems and experience a sense of safety within ourselves that will help us show up in a more regulated, grounded way when we engage with our partners.

How to Practice EFT at Home

Guided tapping meditations and videos can be a helpful way for us to get familiar with the modality. However, we can experience greater transformation when we make the practice our own and use language that resonates with what we’re experiencing on an individual level.

While tapping on the statement “I feel anxious” may very well make you feel less agitated, tapping on the statement “I feel anxious talking about finances with my partner” will be more helpful in liberating you from what’s holding you back and can help empower you to take positive action in your relationship.

To effectively practice EFT on your own, follow these steps:

1. Get to the root of what’s bothering you in your relationship. Notice the emotions you’re feeling. Are you anxious? Angry? Sad? Scared? Settle into your body and check in with yourself. If you feel multiple emotions, focus on the one that feels the strongest. Then, sit with that emotion. What is it connected to? Maybe you know the answer right away, or maybe you need to journal about it.

2. On a scale of 1 to 10, measure how much this emotion is bothering you. This will help you track the effectiveness of the technique when you’re finished.

3. Create a statement based on your root issue. A good statement to take through EFT includes the feeling you’re working on, as well as what’s triggering it, followed by words of self-acceptance. For example: Even though I feel anxious talking about finances with my partner, I deeply love and accept myself.

4. Open the practice. To start, tap steadily on the side of your hand. As you tap, you will verbally repeat your statement three times.

5. Move through the acupressure points. Adhering to the following sequence, tap the different spots on your body while repeating your statement. Make sure you repeat your statement twice before moving on to the next acupressure point.

   1. The side of the hand

   2. The top of the head

   3. The space between the eyebrows

   4. The side of the eyes

   5. Underneath the eyes

   6. Under the nose

   7. The tip of the chin

   8. The collarbone

   9. Underneath the arm

6. Repeat this sequence two more times.

7. Check in with yourself. Take a deep breath and think about your issue again. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bothered do you feel about it now? Hopefully, your score is down to a 1 or a 2. If so, you can be done with the practice. If you’re still feeling anxious or overwhelmed, run through the steps again until you feel soothed.