Coping with Grief from Pet Loss

“I dealt with it,” the woman tells me. “I just need to move on.” As an animal chaplain, I often hear this sentiment, especially from people who lose a pet cat or dog. I always wonder: Do we really want to move on? Or do we want to stop feeling our pain?

Recognizing Flavors of Grief

Indeed, grief hurts. Losing an animal we care about can be devastating. Plentiful research now attests to this truth—even if the people around you question it. Research suggests that we grieve based on the closeness of a relationship, not whether the being we lost was human or animal.

Each of us has developed strategies for dealing with the pain of loss. Some things we do can be helpful, while others can prevent us from healing. Though a mental health professional may be most skilled at classifying which type of grief you are experiencing, learning more about grief can inform your search for the resources and support you may need.

“Normal” or “Typical” Grief

Immediately after a loss, your emotions will be most heightened. Many of these feelings are perfectly natural and to be expected. While grieving, you may experience:

• Crying or sobbing

• Sleep problems (difficulty falling asleep, too much sleep, or not enough sleep)

• A persistent lack of energy

• Lethargy or apathy about life in general

• Changes in appetite (not eating at all or eating excessively)

• A desire to withdraw from social interactions and relationships

• Difficulty concentrating on important tasks

• The urge to question spiritual or religious beliefs, career choices, or life goals

• Anger, guilt, loneliness, emptiness, and sadness

These feelings and responses tend to fade with time, like a photograph exposed to the sun. The grief doesn’t go away, but we do adapt to it. There is no set timetable for grief, but most people experiencing grief will gradually come to their “new normal” in weeks or months.

Prolonged Grief

If your response to a loss or death does not fade over time, or if it impacts your ability to feel or function normally, you may be experiencing what is called prolonged grief: grief that persists longer than a year.

According to the Center for Prolonged Grief, about 10 to 20 percent of bereaved people experience prolonged grief. (It is also sometimes called complicated grief.) “People experiencing prolonged grief often describe it as feeling ‘stuck’ in grief or ‘frozen in time,’ as if the death had just happened,” the Center explains. “Grief dominates their thoughts and feelings, making it difficult to think about or concentrate on anything else. The future seems bleak and empty. They feel lost and alone. Relationships with loved ones flounder, as does their own health.”

Someone experiencing prolonged grief might still find it hard to believe that their dog or cat is never coming back. They tend to feel strong feelings of numbness and loneliness as well as a sense of disconnection from others. In response, these people try to avoid anything that reminds them of the loss of their animal. It may be hard for them to believe that anything matters in their life anymore, and they may feel confused about who they are without their animal companion. (If this describes how you are feeling, skip down to the “Resources for Pet Loss” section to find people trained to help you heal.)

Other Kinds of Grief

There are two other kinds of grief that are worth mentioning. The first is disenfranchised grief. I think most animal lovers have experienced this, although we might not have the words for it. You might hear it described as invalidated loss. In a May 2021 survey conducted by Onevet.ai of 400 U.S. adults, “72 [percent] of respondents reported that a member of their social circle diminished the significance of their loss with unsympathetic rhetoric (e.g., ‘It’s just a dog’), while 34 [percent] of respondents felt they didn’t have a support network around them who understood the profundity of their loss.”

When someone hears of your loss but dismisses its importance, suggests you are overly sentimental, or says you should “just get a new cat,” you are likely experiencing invalidated loss. In response, it’s important to surround yourself with people who will validate that your relationship with your pet was important to you. This is why animal companion loss support groups can be so helpful for healing. You don’t even need to talk. Just showing up and hearing about other people’s losses being validated can be helpful.

Another kind of loss to be aware of is traumatic grief, which may lead to PTSD in some cases. If you lost your dog, cat, or other animal in a violent or sudden way, you are more susceptible to traumatic grief. If you keep visualizing an accident or find yourself experiencing fear for your safety or the safety of those around you, reach out to a mental health professional. A web search for “traumatic grief animal loss psychiatrist near me” is a good starting point. Also check out the “Resources for Pet Loss” section below.

Healing from Grief

In my work, I’ve noticed three actions crucial to healing from pet loss.

1. We need to express ourselves: Ask your family or friends to sit with you and listen. Say, “I don’t need you to try to make me feel better or offer any suggestions of how to get over this. I just need to be heard and validated about what I am experiencing.”

2. We need to seek help adapting: Consult diverse resources on pet loss, noticing which practices, tips, and tools feel helpful to you. Try things out! Don’t expect the grief to go away immediately. Instead, seek help to function through the daily tasks of your life.

3. We need to find community: Sometimes when we hurt, we want to hide. We don’t want people to see us ugly cry. Communities of other people going through similar experiences can help normalize what we are going through. Try attending an animal companion loss support group. Just show up and listen. Talk if you feel like it. If not, simply feel the sacredness of having a space where animal lovers can support other animal lovers. Bring tissues and “let it out.”

Resources for Pet Loss

• Attend an animal companion loss support group.

• Call a pet loss hotline.

• Chat with pet loss specialists from the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement.

• Talk one-on-one with an animal chaplain.

• Journal your way through A Tribute to My Beloved Animal: A Journal to Process Grief & Loss by Dr. Katie M. Lawlor.

• If it has been more than 12 months since your loss, learn more about prolonged grief.

• Find a therapist near you who specializes in prolonged grief.

Want more help for pet loss? Read “A Guide to Overcoming Guilt About Animal Loss.”