Mrs. Jesus

What is it with these Coptic Christians? Last week one them started a murderous global protest with his asinine and offensive “movie” about the Prophet Mohammad (PUH), and now Harvard Divinity School professor Karen L. King has translated a Coptic Christian text that has Jesus referring to his wife.

According to Dr. King, the text says, “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife.’” The text is in Coptic, a language I can’t read, but when I look at the Coptic text I think it says, “Jesus said to them, “Take my wife—please!’” This is followed by the Coptic symbol for a drum roll and cymbal crash.

I’m not sure why Christians hate the idea that Jesus was married. Is it the thought of Jesus having sex? I’m sure He could do it the way His Dad did with Mary, though that was technically adultery, since Mary was betrothed to Joseph at the time. At least Jesus would be having sex with His own wife and not someone else’s.

Does this text prove that Jesus was married? Not at all. First of all it was written centuries after Jesus’ death. Second, Jesus references His mom in the Gospels; if He had a wife don’t you think He would have mentioned her as well? The closest we get to any New Testament hint that Jesus was married is the story of the wedding feast at Cana where the servants complain to Jesus’ mother that they are running out of wine. If Mary was a just a guest at the wedding, why bother her with this? If she was more than a guest….

There are three possibilities: 1) Mary was the party planner for the event; 2) Mary was the manager of the hotel that catered the event; or 3) Mary was the mother of the groom, i.e. Jesus. This last would explain why she told the servants to speak to Jesus about the wine problem. But it could also mean that Mary ran the hotel and Jesus was the maître de. So there is nothing conclusive here.

Anyway, I now expect Christians to be rioting in the streets over the insult to their God. In fact, if I were the Egyptian Ambassador in DC, I would demand extra protection for my embassy in case American Christians attack the Embassy, holding the Egyptian government responsible for this Egyptian Coptic text.

If they do attack the embassy please don’t forget to assume that all Christians are ignorant puppets manipulated by their religious leaders into doing inane and vicious acts of violence. If they don’t attack the embassy please don’t forget to assume that all Christians have abandoned their love of Christ. I myself take the Coptic Christian who made the anti-Muslim film as proof that all Christians hate Muslims and make bad movies. The Left Behind films provide additional evidence for this thesis. After all, what other conclusion can you draw?