Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

In 1968 Mitt Romney allegedly led an alleged assault on an allegedly gay student at his private high school academy during which Mitt allegedly had his alleged friends pin down the allegedly gay student while Mitt allegedly cut off his hair with a pair of scissors. Is anyone surprised that the alleged lame stream liberal effete media would be on this story like glitter on Glee? Of course not. It fits right into their narrative of a heartless Mitt terrorizing homosexuals in his teens, dogs in his twenties, and workers for the rest of his life. But in their rush to judgment, the media elite have failed to note the heroism that Mitt displayed: he dared to work as a barber without a license.

His action was a blow against unnecessary government regulation. When I was in high school I worked at a barbershop—cleaning the sinks, washing the floors, polishing the chairs, etc.—every evening after my night shift at Friendly’s Ice Cream.

And, like Mitt, I too cut the hair of a fellow student.

It was my junior year of high school and my neighbor’s dad had given him money for a haircut but my friend wanted to use it for something else and asked me to cut his hair instead. He had dog clippers and I had a dog, so how hard could this be?

It went well at first: I plugged the clippers and turned them on. The hum was strong and confident, and for a moment so was I. Then I started cutting. When I was done it cost my friend twice what his dad had given him to have a barber fix what I had done to him.

Here’s my point: if I can remember cutting this kid’s hair and he only cried and screamed after I’d finished, how is it that Mitt can’t remember cutting that other kid’s hair when he started crying and screaming the moment Mitt’s friends pinned him to the ground?

There can only be three possible answers to this question. First, the incident never happened and Mitt is being swiftboated by Obama hacks. Second, the incident did happen, but it was so traumatic for Mitt that he repressed all memory of it. Or third, it did happen, Mitt does remember, and he is lying in order not to lose the votes of licensed barbers in the Republican Party.

Mormons don’t lie (which is why I take Joseph Smith at his word regarding the Golden Tablets) so option three is out, and Mitt’s friends implicated themselves in the incident so option one is out. This leaves option two: Mitt was traumatized and suffers from Repressed Memory Syndrome.

Repressed Memory Syndrome in no way disqualifies Mitt from being president. After all, President Obama forgot that he was for gay marriage when he said his opinion was evolving (in fact it was devolving) and now that he is for it again he still can’t remember that he was for it all along. So he, too, may suffer from this disease. In fact the more I follow politics the more it seems that Repressed Memory Syndrome is something that all politicians share. How odd is that?