2012 M(a)y(an) Ass

Damn, damn, damn. I don’t know about you but I was planning to enjoy my final months on earth as the Mayan calendar came to an end on December 21, 2012. I got a reverse mortgage on my house, sold the movie rights to all my books, took out massive cash advances on all my credit cards, and received large advances on books I have no intention of writing but whose due dates are December 22, 2012. I was certain that the Mayans were right and the world was coming to an end. I was planning to live life large. I was even going to vote for a third party candidate for president in November just to screw with the two-party plutocracy that runs this country. But all that is over now.

Headline in today’s USA TODAY: “Mayan calendar goes beyond 2012.”

Are you kidding me?! It turns out that some archeologists found a new room in the Mayan ruins of Xultun. On the walls of this room the Mayans calculated dates of festivals that would fall after the year 3500. That’s over 1,500 years from now! We’ve got over 1,500 years left to this civilization, and it is going to take me every last one of them to pay back all the money I owe.

I don’t know whom to sue first: Daniel Pinchbeck for writing his doomsday scenario, The Return of Quetzalcoatl, the archeologists who have been excavating Xultun for years and only just now found the updated calendar, or the Mayans themselves for writing their stupid calendar on walls rather than on large boulders along side highways where everyone could find them.

Well, I guess I should be thankful that the world isn’t ending in 2012, but to be honest, I was looking forward to it. After the disappointments of Harold Camping’s end of world prophecies on October 21, 2011 and May 21, 2011 I had given up on Christian doom and opted for what I assumed was the more reliable Mayan doom. But no, they too have failed me.

I don’t know whom to trust in the doomsday fantasy world anymore. So I am asking you, my friends, if you know of some other prophecies I can rely on, please write them in the comments section of this blog. I just can’t bear the thought that there is no end in sight.