Email is Great

Email is so great.

Just this morning I opened my mail and found 85 messages waiting for me. Scanning the subject headings I learned that Michelle Obama wants to meet me. Seriously! She sent me two emails saying, and I quote, “Rami, I want to meet you.”

Now that is cool. But then I get an email from her husband (the President) who says that he’s going to be with Michelle when she meets me. She didn’t tell me that. I was all Herman Cain and everything, and now it turns out she wants to meet me only so that her husband can meet me. Why doesn’t he just ask me himself?

There was a sad email telling me that Occupy L.A. had ended, but I’m not surprised; after all, I left L.A. almost 10 years ago.

Then Arlene G. asked me, “Will YOU help transform the world?” I found the all-caps YOU very personal. She was obviously shouting to get my attention so that I knew she was talking to me and not some general “you.”

General Yu, by the way, also emailed me. It seems that he has come into some serious money in China but cannot get it out of the country without my help.

And there is Jeremy Bird who wants my opinion on something regarding Barack Obama. I emailed him back saying that Michelle and I were going out and that Barack was tagging along, and if the President wants my opinion on something he can ask me when we meet.

The Brooks Brothers (I can never remember their first names) wrote to ask me: “Can sheep really sing?” I think the answer is “no,” but suggested they check with Wikipedia before going public.

The strangest email I got was from my friend Michael L. who asked me to join the debate over circumcision and the future of the Occupy Movement. I had not heard of this debate, nor do I think it is necessary for Occupy people to be circumcised. So put me on the “con” side of that issue.

The most helpful email I got was from my friend Eddie Bauer who told me: “All sweaters up to 50% off. Anywhere you shop.” I actually printed this email out. I don’t shop at Eddie Bauer, but I will present it to the stores I do frequent and let them know that I’m eligible for a huge discount.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with all the mail I got this morning. I just hope your email is as worth reading as mine is.