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Wedding Called Off: Blessing or Curse?

Dear Eve
I’m needing help, badly. I’m a 29-year-old male whose wedding was just called off by his 25-year-old former fiancée.

We’ve been together physically for two years. The first year we lived apart as we met online and lived in different states. About seven months ago, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We’ve made all preparations except the cake.

We’ve had a few issues over the years. Of course, sex is one. She has a very high sex drive, mine has lowered from back injury and weight gain. She says she feels I’m not attracted to her even though I tell her daily how beautiful she is.

The problem started when she asked me if I would be ok with her having a one night stand full of flirting and touching. Well of course, I was angry. I didn’t want anyone touching the woman I love. We talked and settled it—or so I thought. A week ago we sat down to design our cake and the question came up again. This time it became a huge argument. We didn’t talk for two days, so I went to her work. She said the wedding is off and she didn’t know what she wanted to do.

Three more days went by with no communication. Then, I found out she’s had some inappropriate actions with a coworker. We calmly talked for two hours, she swore she loves me, but doesn’t want to come back right now. She said that the touching wasn’t planned, but she liked the attention.Then I found out that they are planning on having sex. I told her I was leaving and moving back to my state.  She said she loves me and she knows she’ll miss me and that once I’m gone she would realize she had made a mistake.  So I told her it wasn’t too late and she could still fix it, but she said she can’t. She doesn’t want to come back right now. She wants to be free and flirt. She hugged me, called me baby and cried very much. I left and she hasn’t talked to me in two days.

Do you believe she loves me or not, and is it worth hanging on to her? I do love her with all my heart and it’d kill me to never see her again. What should I do?

Aloha,
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

In virtually every case when a client comes to me and says that they broke up with someone, they can remember when, somewhere along the line, the other person told them what the problem was and they refused to listen.

You, my friend, are being told and aren’t listening.

She is telling you that she wants to mess around; that she isn’t ready to be married. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. In fact, the problem is that she does love you and she is not, for whatever reason, ready to be monogamous.

If you push her to marry you, this will very likely resurface again, only it will be even worse.

What do you do?

First, you must do some self-strengthening work starting with changing your language to using more empowering words. YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HER and it will not “kill” you if you don’t see her again. We are steeped in the romanticism of not being able to survive without someone else, but it is a very unhealthy way to live.

Here is the sad but ultimate truth: Even if you were married and together for 50 years, one of you is likely to die before the other, and therefore one of you will have to learn how to live without the other. When we enter into relationships, it is important that we maintain a sense of our own wholeness and wellness aside from the relationship. Otherwise, we are like ships without a rudder, subject to being blown whichever way the next storm is going. We need to practice resilience and self-strengthening because everything changes.

The only thing I know to hold onto that is unwaivering is Spirit. Consequently, I invite you to explore your spiritual beliefs. Strengthen THAT relationship so that you know you are not alone no matter who in your physical world is around you or leaves you.

Believe me, a person who knows they can and will survive—and even thrive—regardless of what happens to them is far more attractive than one who is a victim to external activities or people.

Give her the space she is asking for and use the time as practice for your own spiritual work, personal growth and self-strengthening.

If she comes back 100 percent ready to love you, consider yourself blessed, and know that all the self-work you did will support your relationship. If she does not come back 100 percent mature enough to be in a long-term relationship, consider yourself blessed and protected. All your personal work will support you in moving forward and finding the right partner.

I’d also like to invite you to pay attention to a couple of things. You said the problem started when she wanted to have a one night stand with someone else. Believe me, the problem started before that or she wouldn’t have wanted the one night stand.

So, I’d also like to invite you to pay attention to a couple of things. One is, if your sex drive is impaired by your weight, guaranteed your back is as well. And undoubtedly so is your mood, energy, and activity. There is a domino effect in place, so part of your self-strengthening prescription is to improve your relationship with your own body so that you feel good and are as healthy as you can be.

Then, recognize that for whatever reason, your girlfriend wasn’t feeling your attraction to her. This may be 100 percent her own self-esteem issue and if I were talking to her rather than you I would focus on that. However, since I’m talking with you, take this information as an invitation to do some self-inquiry. Ask yourself, what is it like to be in a relationship with me? Are there things you could have done to improve the relationship? A little hindsight and insight can be excellent foresight for your next relationship (even if it is with her—again).

With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What am I hearing but not listening to?

Eve’s Love Tip: Marriage requires maturity. Maturity takes time and experience. Accept every experience (the good and the difficult) as an opportunity for training and growth.


Eve Hogan

Eve Eschner Hogan is a relationship specialist, and author of several books including The EROS Equation: A SOUL-ution for Relationships. In Real Love with Eve, she shares skills, principles, and tools for creating healthy, harmonious relationships—with friends, family, lovers, co-workers, and the world at large. Her uncommon approach to common sense will help you sail away from ego battles and into the calmer waters of real love. Learn more about Eve's Heart Path retreats at sacredmauiretreats.com. She is the author of Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life.

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