Would You Date Yourself?

Dear Eve,

I am just not successful in love. I go out on dates, maybe even go out with someone for a few months, but at some point they always break up with me or call it off. I am not sure what I am doing wrong. The most recent woman just said that she didn’t feel like we would work out; the one before that said that I wasn’t her type after all. Do you have any suggestions?

Aloha,

It is hard to give you specific advice without any specific information as to what you are doing and saying, but I can give you some general advice in terms of what to ask yourself, and what to pay attention to. For starters, think about what you have been doing in relationships, specifically just prior to when these women decide you are not the one. Become an expert on how you show up on dates and in relationships. Be self-observant. What do you say? What don’t you say? How do you behave? Do you listen? Do you talk? Do you show interest in the other person? Are you “emotionally available”?

Ask yourself, “What is it like to date me?” Put yourself into the other person’s place and try to imagine what it is like to be in a relationship with you. What is it like to go out to dinner with you? What is it like to be in love with you? What is it like to be intimate with you? Pay attention to the feedback women are giving you. Perhaps they are giving you more information as to why it isn’t working than you are paying attention to.

Let me ask you this also, did you think that you were a match, or were the women right to call it off? Sometimes we get so offended by “rejection” that our egos don’t stop to realize that we really didn’t belong with someone and they actually did us a favor by acknowledging the truth. It may not be that you are “not successful in love” but rather that you simply haven’t yet found the right person to be successful with.

Another thing that may be useful to you is to examine the set of rules that you unconsciously (or consciously) live by. We all have “rules” or beliefs that dictate our behavior but these rules don’t always serve us—or our relationships. Even “The Rules” taught to us by “experts” can actually do more harm than good by interfering with your natural, authentic expression and your values.

Identify your personal rules, for instance, “A man should always be the one to make the move (and the flip side rule that a woman shouldn’t make the move,” or “A man should always pay for the date,” or “You shouldn’t tell someone that you really like them too early in a relationship” or “it is better to make up an excuse than to tell the truth when you don’t want to date someone.” Notice which beliefs impact your behavior on a date and then determine whether these rules and beliefs are serving you or not. If they are, great! Continue believing them. If they don’t serve you , or worse yet, actually sabotage you, then it is time to choose new beliefs.

If you have always done things one way (and it hasn’t worked for you), then consciously choose to do it a different way next time and see if the results are different.
I wish you the best,

With Aloha,

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is it like to date you?

Love Tip of the Week: Don’t give up on love. The bottom line is that you won’t be “successful” in love until you are successful.