Befriending Every Part of Ourselves

Thirty years ago, I enrolled my young son in a highly regarded preschool. However, I quickly noticed that children were frequently being reprimanded for bad behavior and “taught” to behave by being put in time-outs facing the wall. When my son started crying every time I dropped him off, I knew it was time to move him.

At my son’s next preschool, teachers viewed “bad behavior” as a sign that something deeper needed to be attended to. When a child acted out, a teacher would gently gather them into their arms and explore what was going on with a kind, let’s figure this out together attitude. When children felt seen and soothed instead of shamed, struggles melted away and behavior issues rarely persisted. The atmosphere at the school was harmonious, relaxed, and happy.

Witnessing the open-hearted approach at my son’s new preschool taught me a profound life lesson: that kindness, curiosity, and compassion inspire change far more effectively than criticism or harsh discipline.

When I read Self Help: This is Your Chance to Change Your Life by spiritual teacher and best-selling author Gabrielle Bernstein, my mind immediately traveled back to my son’s second preschool. Inspired by her passion for the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach to healing, the central theme of Bernstein’s new book is about connecting with the parts of ourselves that are suffering and offering them total acceptance and love. As Bernstein writes, “Instead of trying to fix or change yourself, IFS teaches you to become curious and compassionate toward every part of who you are.”

Many Parts Within

IFS is a form of psychotherapy developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz built upon the premise of multiplicity—that our minds are made up of many parts, each with its own perspective and personality. Bernstein explains in her book: “IFS teaches that all our big feelings, thoughts, sensations, behaviors, reactions, and patterns are not who we are but are instead parts of who we are. We’re not one mono person. We’re made up of a lot of different parts developed from overwhelming events that took place while we were children. Through IFS, you can learn to connect to these parts with a calm energy, and ultimately help them feel safe.”

IFS classifies parts as Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters. Exiles are our most wounded and vulnerable parts, which carry the burden of hurt, shame, and fear from overwhelming experiences that typically occurred in childhood. Because their pain is so intense and crushing, we’ve “exiled” them to our subconscious.

Managers and Firefighters are called “protector parts” because their role is to protect us from feeling our Exiles’ pain. Managers try to maintain control and avoid vulnerability through patterns such as perfectionism, workaholism, excessive people-pleasing, overthinking, hypervigilance, and harsh self-criticism. Firefighters—protectors who jump into action when an Exile’s pain has been triggered to “extinguish the flames”—are more extreme and reactive. Their attempts to numb or distract from emotional overwhelm often manifest as behaviors like addiction, anger outbursts, or dissociation.

In IFS, instead of feeling self-critical about how our protector parts manifest, we learn to witness, appreciate, and ultimately free them from the burdens they’ve been carrying. Bernstein writes: “Consider this: You are not a control freak, not a rager, not codependent. Instead, you embody various unique personalities, all driven by a common intention—to suppress unresolved feelings of inadequacy, shame, and fear. These parts of yourself have been working to protect and shield you for a long time.”

Our Wise Inner Leader

Independent of our parts, within each of us there exists a Self with a big “S” that is meant to have a leadership role similar to a wise parent. But every time we’re traumatized, shamed, or frightened, our protective mechanisms get stronger, which further obscures our awareness of Self.

There are eight universal qualities of Self that Dr. Schwartz identified 40 years ago, and they all start with the letter “C”: curiosity, calmness, connectedness, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence.

Bernstein recognizes Self as the ever-present energy of love. She explains that when Self becomes the leader of our internal family, a profound healing process begins: “As parts feel seen and understood by Self, they can start to share their story and release the wounds and protective roles that have been imprisoning them, often since childhood. As these parts begin to drop their burdens and protective patterns … an internal sense of freedom and harmony begins to blossom.”

Choosing to Turn Inward

The core offering in Self-Help is the four-step “Check-In Method,” an IFS-informed process that Bernstein created that directs us to turn inward to initiate a dialogue with our Manager parts and strengthen our connection to Self. “The more frequently you opt for Self-guidance over the fear-driven impulses of your parts, the greater sense of liberation you’ll experience within you,” she writes. “Accepting Self as your inner guide will help you choose to perceive your parts and your life through the lens of love.”

Below is a summarized version of Bernstein’s four-step Check-In Method. Please note that because we’re not in a therapeutic environment, she does not direct people to connect with their Firefighters or Exiles, which can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Step 1: Choose to check in. “Each time you notice you’re feeling triggered or activated, that’s a signal to choose to turn inward,” writes Bernstein. “Instead of overriding your big feelings and emotions, see them as guidance revealing to you that there’s a young part inside who needs support.”

She continues, “By recognizing in the moment that you have the choice to turn inward, you are no longer the victim of your past.”

Step 2: Become curious. “Curiosity helps you flesh out more information and begin to see the big feelings, thoughts, or sensations as a part of you rather than who you are,” she writes. “By extending curiosity inward, you’re gently clearing space for the part to reveal whatever it needs to reveal.”

Step 3: Extend compassion. Offer whatever arises in Step 2 your total presence and acceptance as you ask it what it needs. “Your parts may respond in ways that are deeply moving to you. By compassionately connecting to the part, you can allow it to speak for what it needs to feel safe, seen, and supported.”

Step 4: Notice the qualities of Self. Strengthen your connection to Self by checking for the qualities of curiosity, calmness, connectedness, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence. “Each small connection with Self can be as simple as a sigh of relief, a fleeting moment of presence, or a sense of safety in your body. These moments are miracles. When you add up the miraculous moments of Self-connection, you’ll remember the courageous strength and wisdom of who you truly are.”

Bernstein recommends having a journal or notebook handy for this work, either to take notes or to let parts speak freely through your pen into a safe, contained space. In Self Help, Bernstein guides readers through multiple variations of her check-in process and provides writing prompts to help connect with parts. She encourages people to start with the reassuring statement, “I’m not here to change you; I just want to understand you,” followed by the question, “What would you like me to know?”

While Bernstein cautions people to do this process slowly and with care, she says, “These four steps are designed to help you witness your parts through the lens of Self—the presence of love—an intuitive nature that you can trust. This will be the greatest relationship of your life.”

Rewiring for Inner Peace

Protector parts can be viewed as habitual patterns of behavior, and habits don’t change overnight. Even just five minutes a day of turning inward gives Self the energy and opportunity to flourish.

Bernstein explains that whenever Self enters our conscious awareness, we get the message that we are safe, which settles our nervous system. She writes, “Just like children, parts need to feel seen and soothed.” Doing this work feels akin to rescuing our inner children that have been stuck in time-outs, stewing in pain and shame, like the kids at my son’s first preschool. We have the power to love and heal them—to give them freedom to run, laugh, smile, and play.

Read a Q&A with Gabrielle Bernstein.