Catstrology: What the Stars Can Teach You About Your Feline Friends
Astrology for cats? Finally decode their quirky behavior by getting to know their place on the zodiac.
Although cats live side by side with us, they often seem like the greatest mysteries of the universe. Humans use astrology to understand our own best and worst qualities, as well as how we relate to the world and others in it—so why not also use the secrets of the stars to decipher our feline companions’ many moods, quirky foibles, and deepest desires?
If your cat was adopted at a shelter or rescued, you might not know exactly what star sign they were born under. Fear not—this simple quiz can help you determine whether your cat is an adventurous Aries, steadfast Scorpio, or larger-than-life Leo. Let’s begin!
What’s your cat’s favorite toy?
- Mouse (toy)
- Mouse (real)
- Your hair
- Literally anything that moves
- Scratching post
- The window (aka cat television)
- Cardboard box
- Laser pointer
- Fish tank
- Mind games
What famous fictional cat character does your cat most resemble?
- The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
- Keanu from Keanu
- Puss in Boots from Shrek
- Tom from Tom & Jerry
- The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz
- Thackery Binx from Hocus Pocus
- Thomas O’Malley from Aristocats
- Sassy from Homeward Bound
- Simba from The Lion King
- Crookshanks from Harry Potter
- Garfield from Garfield
- Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch
You are 15 minutes late with your cat’s dinner. What does your cat do?
- Gives you a thousand-yard stare
- Tries to eat you
- Meow! Meow! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
- Leaves you a “present” on your pillow
- Pairs aggressive purrs with aggressive head butts
- Plots future revenge
- Eats the dog’s food
- Your cat believes that pain is the best teacher, and they scratch you until dinner is served
- Goes on a hunger strike after you do feed them
- Gets the food anyway, by whatever means necessary
- Wallows in silent misery
- Your relationship with your cat is over. They escape your home to hunt for their own food.
How does your cat express affection?
- Follows you everywhere
- Purrs and meows
- Bites (hey, they’re a cat, right?)
- Pees on your stuff when you leave the house
- Sits in your lap
- Gives your hand gentle licks
- Brings you dead things
- Stares at you
- Makes biscuits (aka, kneads their paws against you)
- Weaves between your legs
- Rubs their face against you
- Allows you to pet them without bloodshed...0
What’s your cat’s greatest priority?
- Beauty sleep (20 hours a day keeps the doctor away)
- To be admired by all
- The thrill of the chase
- To play all day
- To watch the world go by
- World domination
- To explore every nook and cranny
- To keep you guessing
- Chin scratches
- To leave their mark (by scratching all your furniture)
- Treats on treats on treats!
- Who knows?
Where is your cat’s favorite spot?
- A warm lap
- A laptop, preferably when you’re trying to use it
- Perched on your shoulders like some strange parrot
- Zooming up and down the hall at 4 in the morning
- Windowsill, chirping at birds
- Safely out of reach in their cat tower, surveying their domain
- Exploring the great outdoors
- Under the couch, so they can swipe at unsuspecting passerby’s legs
- Snug in bed
- Where they fit, they sit
- By the fridge
- Wherever you least suspect or desire them to be
Someone (probably you) has wronged your cat. What is your cat’s favorite method of revenge?
- Leaving something unmentionable in your shoe (it’s vomit)
- Hiding. They know their absence will be devastating to you
- Biting the hand that feeds them
- Knocking over full water glasses
- Passive aggression
- Methodically batting your keys under the fridge
- Yowling their displeasure.
- Destroying furniture. Not just any furniture—your favorite furniture.
- Killing you with kindness
- Getting waaaay in your face
- Eating a houseplant
- Peeing in a secret spot that won’t be discovered for days
After years of observation, the CIA (Cat Intelligence Agency) has recruited your cat as a secret agent. What would your cat’s CIA subdivision be?
- Department of Fly Catching
- Department of Being the Center of Attention
- Department of Laptop Key Pressing
- Department of Running Back and Forth Very Fast
- Department of Improbably Balancing on Narrow Ledges
- Department of Fitting into Small Containers
- Department of Water Glass Knocking Over
- Department of Toilet Paper Shredding
- Department of Looking Deceptively Cute
- Department of Rat Control
- Department of Biting Plastic
- Department of Looking Smug and Full of Secrets
You can suddenly hear your cat’s thoughts. What’s the first thing you learn?
- That their name for you is “Tuna Bringer.”
- They are royalty in exile (and accustomed to being treated as such).
- Your cat is actually two cats who are never in the same room at the same time, which accounts for their wild mood swings.
- They are responsible for a months-long neighborhood feud about who has been eating the gardenias.
- Your cat is a highly regarded artist in certain circles.
- That being your cat is just step one in a f14-step plan for world domination.
- That they have considered YOU to be their pet this whole time.
- They are organizing the other neighborhood cats in a revolution against their human tyrants.
- They’ve fallen deeply in love with a lion on the Discovery Channel.
- They’ve been secretly monitoring you for a longterm scientific study on human behavior.
- They’ve been making investments on your behalf, and you guys are rich!
- Your last three breakups were a direct result of your cat’s psychological warfare (but they were just looking out for you).
Mostly 1s: Your cat is a Cancer! Deeply intuitive and sensitive, your cat might have a tough shell at first. But once you’ve proven your worth (preferably by doling out treats and snuggles), your cat will transform from a crab to a love bug.
Mostly 2s: Your cat is a Leo! Whenever your cat walks into a room, they know they’re guaranteed to be the center of attention and admired by all. Treat your cat like the royalty they are and you’ll have a big-hearted and lovable friend for life.
Mostly 3s: Your cat is a Gemini! Curious and playful, your cat is constantly seeking out new forms of entertainment. When their natural curiosity gets them into trouble, they might seem like they have an evil twin. Keep them engaged with lots of playtime and intellectual challenges, and you won’t find yourself dealing with the consequences of their mischief too often.
Mostly 4s: Your cat is an Aries! Bursting at the seams with contagious energy, this is no lap cat. Your feline friend spends most of their time zooming around the house, batting at toys, and making the most that the world has to offer. Join them on their adventures, and the two of you will never be bored.
Mostly 5s: Your cat is a Libra! Gracious and harmonious, your cat wants nothing more than a peaceful home and a loving human to share it with. As much as you want your cat to be happy, your cat wants the same for you, and they will let you know with constant signs of affection. They are probably snuggled in your lap as you read these results.
Mostly 6s: Your cat is a Capricorn! Cool as a cucumber, your cat is unfazed by most things (like cucumbers themselves) that might daunt a more impressionable cat, and they’ll stick with you through thick and thin. Sure, you get the sense that sometimes they’re judging you, but ... well, yes, they’re judging you.
Mostly 7s: Your cat is a Sagittarius! Quick on their feet and thirsty for adventure, this cat needs a lot of space to roam and explore, whether that means venturing to the tops of the kitchen cabinets or the great outdoors. Give them space to satisfy their wanderlust, and your cat will know you’re their true home
Mostly 8s: Your cat is an Aquarius! This is an independent cat who doesn't need a human. Your cat is aloof even for a cat, and their occasional displays of affection are made on their own terms. Treasure these rare moments and don’t crowd them the rest of the time.
Mostly 9s: Your cat is a Pisces! Gentle and empathetic, this is the cat you want by your side after a breakup. They are sensitive and easily pick up on the emotions of others, and they’ll comfort you with aggressive purrs when you’re at your very worst.
Mostly 10s: Your cat is a Virgo! Practical, analytical, and attentive to detail, you get the feeling that they could do a much better job of running your life than you currently are. Instead, they apply their skills to whatever problem is in front of them, whether that entails catching the elusive laser pointer or squeezing into the perfect cardboard box.
Mostly 11s: Your cat is a Taurus! A creature of simple (but important) pleasures, your cat enjoys nothing more than lounging on its back to get belly rubs, snoozing in the sun, and snacking on the many delicacies your kitchen has to offer. Keep the creature comforts coming, and their loyalty is yours.
Mostly 12s: Your cat is a Scorpio! Your cat may not be the most trusting animal, and sometimes you do get the feeling they’re secretly plotting to kill you. Still, you can’t help being obsessed with them, and once you earn their trust, you’ll never have a more steadfast or loyal companion.
An ambiguous mixture of them all: Your cat is mysterious, unknowable, unpredictable, and ever-changing. In short, they are a cat. Did you think mere human rules would apply?