How to Transform a Lack of Passion Into Greater Intimacy

You’ve been in a relationship for a decade, three years, a single year—long enough for the exciting phase of novelty and adventure to wear off. Of course, you’re still loving this person but maybe just a bit more…boringly.

There are so many fantastic things about long-term relationships—a sense of comfort and belonging, familiarity and knowing that your partner will always be there for you with your favorite ice cream on hand. What about those things that you get more of at the beginning of relationships? Adventure, novelty, risk, mystery, the unexpected.

How can you reignite the fire that you felt in the beginning? The, “I can’t keep my hands off you” and, “Wow, this person makes my heart beat so fast that I might just pass out!” The excitement, the thrill and the passion that came along with your shiny new relationship seem to have diminished some.

The trick for reigniting passion in a relationship where it seems to have dissipated is to find a mix between the two, a bridge between the dichotomy of the comforting togetherness and the exciting unknown.

As with most things, a lot of the work you need to do will be internal. Instead of agonizing over what it is that your partner does or doesn’t do that puts you in or out of the mood, rephrase the statement: I turn my sexual energy off when…I don’t feel attractive, I don’t like my body, I’m stressed out at work or with the kids or with other responsibilities.

Also, make sure that you focus on the good stuff too: I turn my sexual energy on when…I feel sexy, I feel powerful, I laugh with my partner, the dishes are done and the laundry isn’t hanging over my head. Knowing this about yourself is just as, if not more important than your partner knowing it.

Now let’s put those answers (and years of scientific discovery) into action: Mission Reignition.

Find out new things about your partner.

Sure, you’ve been together long enough that you know all her ins and outs, his favorite foods and deepest desires. If you think for one minute that this person you met ages ago, fell in love with and have developed a life with has all the exact same likes and dislikes as he did at the beginning and that nothing has changed—look at yourself. What’s changed about you? Surely something. We’re learning, evolving, growing beings—things change. Ask him new questions.

Learn new things together.

Learn how to play an instrument or two and start a mini-band, tackle a new sport, game or hobby together, get the biggest puzzle and spend time together putting all the pieces in place. Discovering how your partner approaches new things and learns can tell you so much about them, and it’s likely you’ll learn more about yourself as well.

Go someplace new together.

Get lost in the mountains on a Saturday drive, check out a new brewery in town, book an AirBnB in a different neighborhood in your own city or in a different country. Having these new explorative experiences together will surely boost your attraction to your partner, and you’ll have new memories to add to your collection.

Talk about sex away from sexy-time.

Take time to talk about your sexual needs, desires, fantasies, curiosities and even no-go’s but talk about them all outside of the pressure of the bedroom. If you talk about it “in the wild” then when you decide to go wild, you’ll have more information and new ideas to incorporate—have better sex, not necessarily more sex.

Date differently.

Double date with some friends or complete strangers, let a friend plan your next date for you, do something new that neither of you has ever done before—aerial acro-yoga anyone? Ya’ll still need to go on regular dates even if you’ve been together for what seems like ever. This unique time together, away from the responsibilities of home-life, work-life and parent-life recharges and re-energizes your relationship.

Check-in with each other.

Communication is always and forever going to be important. Ask questions like, “What’s one thing I’ve done in the past four days that made you feel the most loved?” Or, “Would you rather go live in the soon-to-be Mars colony or on a self-sustaining island-farm with 10 of your closest friends?” If one of you is feeling frustrated, tackle the solution together. As a team. You both vs. the problem not one partner vs. the other.

Check-in with yourself.

Alone time is incredibly important even for the most extroverted person.Spending quiet time with yourself and staying in-tune with your own thoughts, emotions and physical presence will allow you to be that much more in-tune with your partner when you do spend time together.

Remember all the things you fell in love with about your partner in the beginning, but don’t stop there—find all new reasons to love this person all over again!

And when you’re feeling the passion in your love life wax and wane, just remember that this cyclical nature is totally normal. Sometimes you’re going to have more feelings and sometimes you’ll have less and that, my friends, is a-ok.