3 Tools for Conscious Couples

Before you begin, read "Finding the Truth of Who You Are in Your Relationship" in the January/February 2015 issue of Spirituality & Health. Then use the print this page to use this resource offline, copy & paste into a Word document, or work off of this page.

Step 1: Take stock of your hopes and fears

Take a few minutes to think about your relationship and write answers to these two questions. At the end of the exercises, you may choose to share your answers, or not.

What do you hope for?

What are you afraid to reveal?

Step 2: Learn to see through your partner's eyes

Each of you should take 20 minutes to complete the following statements. As you do, notice whether you resist telling the truth. Then ask yourself whether you are willing to discover what deeper truth the resistance is protecting. When you are finished, sit facing each other and make eye contact. Choose who will go first to read his or her answers aloud. Don't embellish or explain. Just read what you have written. Meanwhile, your partner's role is to listen as a true friend. As you listen, try not to react. Listen deeply and be supportive of whatever you hear. Try to listen without waking the answers personally. When one person has read, switch roles. When you have finished, take a walk together for at least 10 minutes in silence.

Our relationship is based on ___.

My partner believes our relationship is based on ___.

My role in the relationship is ___.

My partner's role in the relationship is ___.

Our relationship needs ___.

My partner believes our relationship needs ___.

The problem with our relationship is ___.

My partner believes the problem in the relationship is ___.

The strength of the relationship is ___.

My partner believes the strength of the relationship is ___.

The weakest part of the relationship is ___.

My partner believes the weakest part of the relationship is ___.

The worst part of the relationship is ___.

My partner believes the worst part of the relationship is ___.

The best part of the relationship is ___.

My partner believes the best part of the relationship is ___.

I wish my partner were more ___.

My partner wishes that I were more ___.

In our relationship, I tend to be the one who ___.

In our relationship, my partner believes that I tend to be the one who ___.

In our relationship, my partner tends to be the one who ___.

In our relationship, my partner believes he or she tends to be the one who ___.

I wish my partner would ___.

My partner wishes I would ___.

What keeps us together is ___.

My partner believes that what keeps us together is ___.

Step 3: Five questions to go even deeper

Set a timer or stopwatch for three minutes. Sit facing each other and make eye contact. Choose who will first ask, "How have I hurt you?" He or she listens to the answer as a true friend, and then asks the same question again. Keep asking and answering the first question for three minutes, then do the same with the second question. Then switch roles. When you have finished, take a walk together for at least 10 minutes in silence. Repeat the exercise with the remaining questions.

How have I hurt you?

How have I helped you?

What do you want from me?

What is missing?

What is here?