Practice the Art of Affectionate Witnessing

I remember a time when my husband and I struggled to communicate. Though we deeply loved each other, we often found ourselves at odds—unable to connect in the way we once had. I convinced myself he would see things my way if I could only explain myself better. I would approach the issue from different perspectives, focusing on telling him how I felt and using all the right communication tools. But still, the conversations never unfolded as I hoped.

Frustration built as I became more entrenched in wanting to be heard. I missed our “sweet nothing” talks, where vulnerability flowed easily between us. But then, one day, I had a realization that changed everything: I wasn’t truly listening to him. I had been so focused on being understood that I had forgotten to practice hearing him.

At that moment, I recognized that my desire to be heard was just as strong as his need to feel understood. And that’s when everything turned around. I began to practice listening—not just superficially, but with attentive presence, intending to reconnect. In doing so, I discovered the power of what I now know as affectionate witnessing.

Even the most centered people can find interacting with others challenging. We might feel unheard or bewildered by someone else’s perspective, which can shake our sense of balance. That’s where affectionate witnessing comes in as a kind and gentle tool that helps us return to presence while fostering meaningful connections with others and ourselves.

What Does Affectionate Witnessing Look Like?

At its heart, affectionate witnessing is about being fully present with a person without trying to fix, judge, or add our own agenda. Instead, we hold space by listening deeply, reflecting back what we’ve heard, and asking clarifying questions. The aim is not to offer solutions but to encourage exploration and full expression. It’s about giving the gift of being truly heard, which can transform both the speaker and the listener.

While I had been practicing something similar for some time—especially during my mid-week Quaker meetings, where we diligently work on listening carefully, giving people the space to reflect, and not interrupting—I was first introduced to the term affectionate witnessing during a seven-day silent retreat with Zen Buddhist meditation teacher Cheri Huber and nonprofit leader Ashwini Narayanan.

This subtle but essential distinction of what made affectionate witnessing unique from other forms of communication immediately set a new tone for my spiritual practice. It helped me realize that the compassion and gentleness embedded in the word affectionate could profoundly shift how we interact with others and relate to ourselves. Huber’s teaching emphasizes that much of our suffering stems from feeling misunderstood or unheard, and affectionate witnessing helps break that cycle by cultivating more profound, compassionate connections. (See her book with Narayanan, Don’t Suffer, Communicate!) The practice is also an invaluable tool for self-care.

Affectionate Witnessing as a Spiritual Practice

Affectionate witnessing isn’t just a communication tool—it’s a sacred practice that aligns with many mindfulness and contemplative traditions. At its core, it’s about being fully present in the moment and observing without judgment—both fundamental principles of mindfulness meditation. When we witness affectionately, we practice the Buddhist concepts of metta (loving-kindness) and karuna (compassion), approaching others and ourselves with genuine care.

This practice allows us to experience the interconnectedness that many spiritual traditions speak of directly. By truly listening and being present with one another, we transcend the barriers of our individual egos and connect on a deeper level. When turned inward, affectionate witnessing becomes a powerful tool for self-inquiry, allowing us to explore our inner landscape with the same curiosity and compassion we offer others.

In essence, affectionate witnessing is a practical way to embody spiritual principles in daily interactions, fostering presence, compassion, and connection with every conversation.

How to Practice Affectionate Witnessing with Others

1. Use Reflective Listening: When someone shares a feeling or thought with you, listen attentively, and when there’s a pause, repeat what you heard without adding your interpretation to affirm that you are listening carefully.

2. Ask Clarifying Questions: If something isn’t clear, ask questions to gain more understanding. For example, if someone says, “I’m so tired,” you might ask, “Does it feel like physical tiredness or emotional exhaustion?” These questions invite the speaker to go deeper into their own experience.

3. Draw Them Out: Sometimes, people need encouragement to express more. A simple “Can you tell me more?” opens the door for further exploration of a feeling or thought.

This approach helps create a neutral, nonjudgmental space where the other person feels seen and heard, fostering intimacy and trust.

Affectionate witnessing brings a beautiful simplicity to our interactions. It invites us to stay with the wonder of being present rather than jumping into “fix it” mode or offering unsolicited advice. By remaining in deep listening, we allow the conversation to unfold naturally. This approach helps the other person feel genuinely heard and fosters a sense of peace and presence within ourselves. As retreat co-leader Ashwini Narayanan aptly said, “Facilitation is staying with the wonder of being present.”

How to Affectionately Witness Oneself

One of the more profound realizations I had on retreat was that I could also practice affectionate witnessing with myself. I can facilitate my own inner conversations when I feel stuck or overwhelmed, using the same gentle tools of reflection, inquiry, and deep listening.

I recently tried this technique in a moment when I felt left out from my friend group and was beginning to worry that I was growing apart from my friends. I began the affectionate witnessing process with myself, reflecting on what I heard in my own mind and heart, asking clarifying questions of myself, and drawing more out of my thinking and feeling. The self-questioning process looked something like this:

“I hear you’re feeling left out. Can you tell me more about that?”

As I listened to the thoughts and emotions that arose, I continued to ask myself clarifying questions:

“Are you feeling left out because you weren’t invited, or is it because you chose not to go but feel conflicted?”

I reflected back to myself:

“I hear that you feel left out because all your friends are going somewhere that you didn’t really feel like going to. Can you tell me more? Do you not like the activity, or is there something else here?”

I hear and reflect:

“I understand you are really tired from not getting enough sleep because you were caring for sick kids. You just want to rest, but still feel disappointed that you can’t keep up with your friends’ busier social schedules. You think maybe they won’t want to hang out with you anymore. Can you tell me more about that? Have there been any indications of that?”

I hear and reflect:

“Your friends have checked in with you regularly, understanding you’ve gone through a lot.”

This process allowed me to explore the deeper layers of what was going on without jumping to conclusions or judgments. After affectionately bearing witness to myself, I began to feel less like my friends ditched me and more like I have different priorities and have needed to adjust my schedule, and that my friends are supportive.

I had an “aha” moment when I realized I had latched onto the “feeling left out” part without honoring my need for self-care.

One tip: It can be helpful to record yourself being the affectionate witness to yourself. In that case, you record only the moments where you are acting as the witness (as in the quotes above).

Transforming Relationships and Self-Dialogue with Affectionate Witnessing

Practicing affectionate witnessing—whether with others or ourselves—can transform our relationships and inner dialogue. It teaches us to approach life with curiosity rather than judgment and compassion instead of criticism. In a world where so many of us feel unheard or misunderstood, affectionate witnessing is a powerful practice for building connections rooted in presence and love.

I encourage you to try affectionate witnessing in your own life this week, whether with a loved one or during an internal conversation with yourself. You might be surprised by the depth of connection and insight that arises from simply listening.

If you want to explore more practices for cultivating presence and deeper relationships, I invite you to check out my book Naked in the Now: Juicy Practices for Getting Present, which offers further tools for self-inquiry, communication, and mindful awareness.

Supplement your affectionate witnessing practice with these 10 tips for healthy friendships.